


over and over and over and over again

by merlypops



Series: Space Husbands (Paul Stamets/Hugh Culber) [6]
Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Goodbyes, Hopeful Ending, Hugh just wants Paul to trust him, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Paul has trouble expressing his feelings, The major character death is only because the characters die when the time loop resets, Time Loop, it's got happy bits i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 23:39:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12593140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: 'For every five loops trying to outthink Mudd, Paul spent one saying goodbye to someone on the ship.'It takes Paul losing Hugh an endless amount of times to realise how to fix their relationship.Based on “Amsterdam” by Nothing But Thieves.





	over and over and over and over again

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Снова, и снова, и снова](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15715011) by [allayonel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/allayonel/pseuds/allayonel), [Star_Trek_20XX](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star_Trek_20XX/pseuds/Star_Trek_20XX)



> Hey guys, I took a break from the multi-chapter academy era fic because this idea has been playing around my head since the last episode.  
> It's a bit angsty but there's fluff and a tiny bit of hugely dumb humour so hopefully you'll enjoy this!
> 
> Russian translation: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15715011

For every five loops trying to outthink Mudd, Paul spent one saying goodbye to someone on the ship… just in case this loop was the last… just in case he wasn’t smart enough to save them.

With the tardigrade DNA flowing through him, Paul paced the brightly lit corridors of the _USS Discovery_ with a heavy heart. Hugh thought he was losing his mind with all of his talk of time loops and intruders, and Paul didn’t know how to make him see sense. He’d been able to convince Burnham of the fact; been able to convince Tyler and Tilly, and even fucking _Lorca_ … so why not his dear doctor too?

Why did Hugh continue to doubt him?

When the anticipated blast of phaser fire caught him suddenly in the chest, Paul almost welcomed it.

*

He found Tilly first.

She was playing beer bong as the lights strobed around her and a crowd of rowdy-looking officers fought for her attention. She seemed utterly unaware of it, red curls flying as she threw her head back in delighted laughter, her lips damp with alcohol. One of the cadets in particular was watching her with love-struck eyes.

Paul just felt fond and sad.

He’d never really noticed her before Burnham had arrived on the ship, dragging her new nervous roommate into the limelight. Tilly soon became much more than just a cadet who performed her tasks impeccably. She was also funny and sweet, and probably a lot more patient than Paul had ever given her credit for (especially as she put up with his shit day in, day out).

“Tilly, can I talk to you?” Paul half-yelled over the music when he finally reached her. The cadet watched him with curious eyes but her face softened at whatever she found in his expression.

“Of course!” she replied, her palm settling hesitantly on his arm as she led him away from the throng. “What’s up, sir? Didn't think this was really your scene!”

 _So you keep saying_ , Paul thought wryly but he simply smiled.

“I wanted to tell you how much I value your hard work,” he said once they reached the corner where it was quieter. Tilly frowned, her red curls in disarray as she raked a hand through them nervously.

“Um… thank y-”

“I’m not done,” Paul said and the redhead smiled despite herself. “I also wanted to tell you that you are a valued member of my team. The _USS Discovery_ couldn’t function as successfully as it does without you, cadet.” Paul resisted the urge to simply walk off when Tilly looked like she was fighting the urge to hug him. “I’m aware that I don’t praise you enough,” he finished carefully. “And I’m sorry for how unkind I must seem sometimes. I just value work done well. There’s not a lot of room for gentle encouragement when we’re at war.”

“I understand, sir,” Tilly said with a small shrug although her huge smile contradicted the forced casualness of her words. “Tough love, right?”

“Right,” Paul answered and it frightened him when he realised that he had become unexpectedly choked up.

Glancing down at the watch on his wrist, he realised there was only twenty seconds left of this time loop.

Paul swallowed down the fear that still wouldn’t leave him, no matter how many times he died.

“Sir?” Tilly asked gently, her pale brow creasing at the unhappiness on his tense face. “Are you okay?”

Paul nodded silently, swallowing past the thickness in his throat as he felt a distant rumble beneath the pounding of the bass.

“I know you’re going to make captain one day, Tilly,” Paul said. “And I know you’ll be incredible.”

When the fire consumed the ship, Tilly died with a smile on her face.

*

Paul went to Burnham next.

“You’ve never been in love,” he said for the sixth time and the hurt that crumpled her usually-calm expression still hit him like a punch in the gut. She opened her mouth to inform him that he was being unprofessional – because of _course_ she did; she was Michael Burnham – but Paul got there first, luring her out into the corridor with nothing but his hopeless expression. “I know because I asked you to tell me a secret so that I could prove to you this: we are trapped in a time loop, we keep dying over and over again, and I really did mean it earlier when I told you I’d jump out of an airlock. Repeating myself like this is horrendous.”

Burnham stared at him with wide dark eyes but Paul could see the grudging trust there and his heart broke in his chest. (Why didn't Hugh _believe_ him?)

“Why are you telling me this?” Burnham asked but she was rapidly becoming frantic now. “What can I do to help? How can I –”

“Breathe,” Paul suggested and she did, if raggedly. He saw her struggling to regain control of her emotions – something she had never completely been able to master – and Paul’s heart went out to her.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” he said and, although she opened her mouth to argue – apparently it wasn’t in her nature to accept anything she saw as unhelpful criticism – Paul spoke over her. “I wasn’t going to tell you. I was just going to give you my ‘ _I’m sorry I can be such an ass_ ’ spiel but… I feel like I’m going crazy here when nobody knows but me. I just needed to talk to you again.”

“Again?” Burnham’s eyes were still panicked but she seemed a little calmer now as she leant back heavily against the wall. Paul settled beside her, his blue eyes closing for a moment as he heaved in a shaky breath. “What did we talk about last time?”

“Love,” Paul said with a watery laugh. “I told you how I met Hugh – with him humming that ridiculous Kasselian opera and how telling someone to get lost can make them fall in love with you. You and I danced,” he added suddenly, snorting at the stunned expression on Burnham’s face. “For science, obviously.”

“Obviously,” she murmured but her lips tugged up a little all the same, like being near the end made her care less about the façade of emotionless calm she always struggled to maintain. Paul closed his eyes and smiled, and Burnham’s voice suddenly became so much smaller. “Are you… Lieutenant, are you crying?”

“Yes,” Paul said honestly because there was no point denying it; the tears were rolling down his flushed face.

“Can I ask why?” Burnham asked and her gaze rested heavily on his slumped form as Paul dried his cheeks half-heartedly with the sleeve of his uniform jacket.

“Because I’m relieved,” he said quietly. “Because I’ve spent this endless awful day wondering why Hugh doesn’t trust me and… and I’ve just realised why. Because of something I said to you earlier, even if you don’t remember it.”

When Burnham seemed content to simply watch him, Paul rubbed the back of his neck wearily, suddenly too exhausted to do anything but slide down the wall until he was sitting on the ground.

“In our relationship, Hugh and I value honesty above all else,” Paul said carefully. “If I do something Hugh doesn’t like or agree with, I expect him to tell me, and vice versa. Remembering that now has made me realise exactly what I did to break Hugh’s trust. God, I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.”

“The tardigrade DNA,” Burnham realised and Paul was reminded again of just how brilliant she was.

“Right first time,” he said heavily, his lips tugging up into a crooked smile that didn’t touch his eyes. “Maybe I couldn’t see it because I was so close to the situation but… I do now. I just hope it’s not too late.” Paul sighed, staring sightlessly across at the metal panelling lining the wall opposite as Burnham sank down beside him.

“After I woke up in the Medbay and saw how worried Hugh was, I promised I wouldn’t do something that stupid ever again,” Paul said as a frown deepened on his forehead. “But then I did… and I _kept_ doing it… kept putting my own health at risk to power the spore drive.” Paul pinched the bridge of his nose hard as a frustrated sigh escaped him. “The problem is, even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could pull out now. There’s no way Lorca would let me when using myself to power the spore drive enables us to make faster escapes and to complete missions with a higher success rate… but every time I do it, I push Hugh a little further away. It’s the ship or my relationship. My work or my partner.” Paul dropped his head and let out a long sigh as he smacked his palm onto the floor in frustration. “I don’t know how to solve this puzzle, Burnham.”

She watched him silently for a long time – _only one minute before the next loop_ – before reaching out to cover his hand gently with her own.

“You should tell Dr. Culber the truth,” Burnham said quietly. “That’s all you can do.”

Paul blinked back tears as his teeth worried at his bottom lip.

“But what if that’s not enough?” he asked hopelessly, even though Burnham had told him herself that she’d never been in love before… even though they were about to be killed. “What if I lose him too?”

Burnham was kind enough not to point out that the person Paul had lost was Straal but her palm pressed more heavily on his all the same, like she was trying to offer him wordless comfort.

“The doctor loves you,” she said gently. “Even I can see that and I’m not exactly well-informed on… love.”

“You will be one day,” Paul said and Burnham smiled as her eyes grew glassy with tears.

“He loves you,” she repeated as a figure beamed into the corridor behind her, making the hairs on the back of Paul’s neck rise. “Love is enough, Lieutenant. It’s all we have.”

When Mudd fired the blaster he was carrying and Burnham was blown apart in front of him, Paul closed his eyes and waited for the end.

When it came, it was thoroughly unpleasant.

*

“Hey, Lorca,” Paul said as he strode onto the bridge.

There was maybe thirty seconds left before this loop ended – he’d planned his timing perfectly and had spent the rest of the loop tracking Mudd’s movements – and Paul had wanted to do this since Lorca first started here.

Saru jerked his head up nearby, looking utterly scandalised by Paul’s lack of protocol. Lorca, for his part, simply looked unimpressed as he raised an eyebrow silently at the blond man.

“Something you’d like to say, Lieutenant?”

“Yes,” Paul said breathlessly. “Yes there damn well is. I just wanted to tell you that you are the _worst_ boss I’ve ever had. You’re selfish, you’re awful, you’re kind of terrifying, you’re completely insufferable and unapproachable, and you make people _miserable_ , and honestly, you’re just a warmongering moron. You are so, _so_ bad. If you weren’t about to get up and kill me, I would _so_ quit this terrible job.”

“Right,” Lorca said calmly, his voice so smooth that Paul actually took a step back. “Anything else you’d like to add, Stamets?”

“Nope. That should do it,” Paul said as Lorca took a threatening step towards him, his hands curling into fists.

Paul was almost _relieved_ when the hull breached in a maelstrom of fire, tearing everything to pieces.

*

Ten loops later and Paul finally knew how to stop Mudd.

That meant that everything he did now would be remembered so he _really_ needed to not fuck anything up.

As time reset itself once more, the blond man found himself walking the corridor beside his partner who was carrying a white crate of medical supplies, his uniform as neat as ever, his handsome face set in an unhappy expression which gradually became concerned.

“You stopped talking,” Hugh noted in the tired voice he’d been speaking in so much recently. “You were literally rambling about your damn conspiracy theory like five seconds ago and now you’re _not_ acting like you’re high on ‘shrooms… Paul, I love you but what the fuck is with you today? You’re giving me whiplash.”

Paul withered a little as his shoulders slumped.

He knew Hugh was only snapping at him because he was tired and worried and scared. While everyone else on the crew seemed to find Paul's sudden personality shift amusing, Hugh just got upset by it, unable to comprehend that maybe it didn’t have to be something _bad_.

Paul had once been afraid that it was because he was no longer the man Hugh had fallen in love with but… he didn’t think that anymore.

Not after his conversation with Burnham.

Not after watching his beautiful partner reaching for him – no matter how unhappy he was – as they were killed time and time again. Hugh still loved Paul, deep in those raw basic parts of himself. Paul just needed to prove to his partner that he understood now.

He understood that Hugh wasn’t unhappy with the situation. He was unhappy with _Paul_.

It was almost a relief to understand that because it meant the blond man finally knew how to fix this.

“Hugh,” Paul said and his voice was as calm as he could make it when his heart was racing thunderously in his chest like this. “Hugh, please put the crate down. I need to tell you something.”

“What?” Hugh asked blankly before he squared his jaw, shaking his head stubbornly. “No, Paul. I don’t have time now. I have to get these supplies to the Medbay and then –”

“ _Hugh_ ,” Paul said imploringly and his eyelashes were spiky with tears as Hugh stared at him in shock. “Hugh, I’m **sorry**.”

Paul never apologised.

It was one of the staple points of their relationship: Hugh was _very_ passionate about celebrating their anniversaries, Paul got prickly whenever his late best friend Straal was mentioned, Hugh needed to literally coach Paul through any strong emotion because he always did his best to repress them, the sex after they both finished their shifts for the week was always _amazing_ , and – last but by no means least – Paul would rather choke to death than apologise.

“Did you just…?” Hugh was staring at him in complete and utter disbelief, and… damn, maybe Paul should display manners more often. “Paul Stamets, what on earth are you apologising for?” Hugh demanded. “You can’t help it if your head’s a bit of a mess at the moment with Ripper’s DNA floating around inside you. It was wrong of me to snap your head off like that.”

“No,” Paul disagreed fairly. “What was _wrong_ was for me to lie to you the way I did… and then for me not to even realise what I’d done to upset you? God, Hugh, I thought I was better than that.”

Hugh was staring at him with wide, dark eyes that looked just the wrong side of shiny. If Paul made him cry now then he was actually going to burst into tears. (To say today had been emotionally draining would be an understatement.)

“I know you don’t believe me when I tell you that we’re trapped in a time loop; that we’ve been repeating this day so frequently that I think I’m going mad with it. How could I expect you to trust me on that when you couldn’t even trust me to tell you the truth about the spore drive?”

Hugh’s mouth – which had previously been hanging open in shock – snapped shut and his cheeks heated as he frowned down unhappily at the floor. Paul tilted the doctor’s chin up carefully with his fingertips, ignoring the few crew members who weren’t at the party as they passed around them because this was _so_ much more important.

“Hugh,” Paul said softly, his voice so slow and gentle, like he was tasting the word in his mouth almost. “Hugh, I’m sorry I treated you like you didn’t deserve the truth. I just… I didn’t want to worry you. I know now that it was wrong to do that. I was just pushing you away.” Paul wanted to hang his head but – on the off chance he _wasn’t_ able to defeat Mudd – this might be the last chance he ever got to gaze lovingly into his partner’s eyes like this. “Hugh, I’m sorry it’s taken this terrible day to make me realise how badly I treated you. I can never say sorry enough.”

Hugh staggered backwards like Paul had punched him in the stomach.

“This is real,” the doctor choked out and his trembling hands were covering his mouth now as his expression quickly became appalled. “God, Paul, all those times you tried to tell me and I… I didn’t _believe_ you. God, why didn’t I believe you?”

“Because I didn’t give you a reason to,” Paul said and he felt hollow now, like Hugh’s sadness had scraped his heart right out of his chest. “I was too stubborn. You asked me not to do something that stupid again and I completely ignored you. I put myself at risk time and time again, even though I knew it hurt you, because I thought that was my only option. I kept telling you that I felt fine when… when that first time I injected the DNA? Sure, it was to save you but… god, that was almost _suicidal_ , Hugh. It was just about the stupidest thing I could have done and then it all just spiralled out of control. I figured I could deal with Lorca alone, get him to stop being quite so overbearing about the spore drive while I searched for an alternative but –”

“Wait,” Hugh blurted out, his damp eyes widening. “An alternative? You mean you –?”

“Didn’t particularly want to keep endangering my life, _especially_ when it was pushing us apart?” Paul rolled his eyes but his expression was undeniably fond. “Hugh, I value you above all else. I don’t care how beautiful the mycelium is when I get to see it during the jumps. Nothing is worth losing you.”

“You wouldn’t lose me,” Hugh muttered but his eyes were downcast now, his bottom lip wobbling. “I wouldn’t leave you over that.”

“Maybe not,” Paul said. “But I wouldn’t blame you if you did. Every time we jump, I swear I lose a little more of myself. It’s why I exist outside the time loops now. It’s why being with me doesn’t calm you the way it used to.”

“I just… I worry,” Hugh whispered mournfully and Paul’s expression softened as he cradled the taller man’s face carefully between his palms.

“And you shouldn’t have to anymore,” Paul murmured, stroking Hugh’s cheekbones gently with the pads of his thumbs. “Dear doctor,” the blond man said quietly. “Although I still love my research – will probably _always_ love astromycology – the part of me that was most passionate about it… well, it died with Straal. I don’t feel proud of it anymore. Not when it’s being used for war. Not when that’s _all_ it will be used for in the foreseeable future.” Paul swallowed past the lump in his throat. “Hugh, you should have come first all along. I’m so sorry.”

“I wish you never had to make that choice,” Hugh said but his hands came to settle gently on his partner’s waist as Paul’s eyes flickered unwillingly towards the timer on his watch. “How long do we have?” the doctor asked, his voice heavy and sad. Paul let their foreheads fall to rest comfortingly together.

“The time loop resets in just under twenty minutes but… I need to go before then. _Now_ really,” he amended quietly and Hugh let out a soft pained sound as his fingers entwined with his partner’s.

“Stay safe,” the doctor pleaded. “I don’t want you to save the day if it means living a life without you in it.”

“Oh please,” Paul mumbled with reddened cheeks and a tired smile. “Don't be so dramatic. You won’t get rid of me _that_ easily, dear doctor.” He raked a hand through his usually-neat blond hair and Hugh followed the messy strands fondly with his chocolate brown eyes. “Once today is done – once it’s _finally_ over – I really am going to try to avoid putting myself at risk. I’ll talk to the captain about it – or whoever is taking over for Admiral Cornwell if Lorca proves difficult – and I’ll explain that this spore drive is not currently viable… at least not until it’s had a few tweaks… namely, a replacement for me.”

“That sounds like a good plan,” Hugh said but his relief was shining on his face now and Paul relaxed as the last of his fear left him. Whatever happened now, he hadn’t lost the doctor. Paul could die content in that.

“Also,” the blond man added when he saw Hugh’s pride threatening to overwhelm him. “All of that attention I've been using while running headlong into danger can be better spent on other things.”

“Like?”

“You, dear doctor.” Paul pressed a brief kiss to the doctor’s lips. "You."

Hugh sighed. “I’m sorry you were struggling, Paul,” he whispered. “I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me.”

“I’m not struggling now,” the blond man answered softly. “I know exactly what I need to do… and do you know what _you_ need to do?” When Hugh simply looked confused, the blond man gave him a watery smile. “You need to stop apologising for the things outside your control, dear doctor. You need to change absolutely nothing at all – you just need to be **you** – because that beautiful, caring, patient man I fell in love with? He’s been there this whole time. I just wouldn’t let myself see him.”

Pressing one last kiss to his partner’s lips, Paul took an unwilling step back.

“Now I _really_ do have to go,” he said softly. “But I’ll be back, okay? I’ll come back to you.”

“What are you doing?” Hugh called as Paul bounded off down the corridor, heading for the closest turbolift.

“I’m going to save this ship,” Paul said. “And _then_ I’m going to take you to our cabin and kiss you until we forget this awful day ever happened, and shifts be damned.” The doctor smiled and the blond man’s heart skipped a beat in his chest. “I love you, Hugh Culber," he said sincerely. "I love you so much.”

Paul’s blue eyes glittered as he flicked the doctor a vaguely sarcastic two-fingered salute before slipping out of sight.

Hugh watched him go with love blazing in his proud tear-wet eyes and Paul’s heart finally felt calm in his chest.

*

When they finally reunited, everything was as it should be.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> I'm worried this was terrible or hugely out of character so feedback would be very much appreciated...  
> Please let me know what you thought! <3


End file.
